Stone Soup
by Abarero
Summary: It was the age of heroes and gods, and amongst it all, there was Gozu and Mezu- two stone men who got stuck with the worst job of them all. [Gozu & Mezu humor stories]
1. 1: Beginning

Author's Notes: Okay, this is gonna seem crazy (then again, I love minor characters) but this will be a collection of stories chronicling the life and times of Gozu and Mezu.

Now for those having trouble remembering who Gozu and Mezu are- they're the guardians of the gateway introduced in episode 145. Yes, the two big stone guys guarding the gateway- that's them :)

Anyways, Gozu is the one with his hair pulled up in a bun and Mezu is the one with the ponytail if you want to get more specific about who's who.

These are all written as part of the livejournal community iy(underscore)no(underscore)kakera, which is a 100 theme drabble/ficlet community.

Anyways, here we go:

* * *

**Title:** Gozu, Mezu and the Banquet of Gods 

**Theme:** Set #1, Theme #1- Beginning

**Summary:** The world began in the strangest of ways…

**Author's Notes for this chapter:** This is all based on information I found out about the 12 Deva Guardians of Esoteric Buddhism, in which- Gozu and Mezu are part of one of the classes of demons according to mythology. Suijin in this is the same as the water goddess from episode 27.

* * *

Back in the beginning, when the world formed and the heavens were laid into the skies- the great Bonten- deva of the heavens, threw a banquet for all the gods. 

Since he was the one who created things, he decided to give the other gods jobs depending on how well they impressed him.

First came Bonten's close friend, Taishakuten, who showed off with his amazing strength, social skills and pet elephant and got himself the job of governing the other gods. So for all his ego, he now had to deal with keeping the other gods' egos in check.

Then came the four kings.

Bishamonten of the north came in carrying a pagoda on his back. Seeing this amazing feat, he was given the job of protecting the treasure inside it and distributing it to those he felt was worthy. Needless to say, he was offered more sexual favors than the rest of them.

Jikokuten of the east came in with an army of musicians and vampire demons. On seeing how well Jikokuten managed to keep those two strange types of minions in line (it was simple really, the vampire demons really loved classical music) he was given the position Guardian of the Nations. Although when it all came down to it, it was one of those useless titles that means you get to go golfing all the time when you're supposed to be at meetings.

Koumokuten of the west came in with a brush and scroll. His wide-eye nature only enhanced by his geeky glasses thick with prescription. After laughing at the pocket-protector on his armor, he was assigned the job of discerning and punishing evil and to give people aspirations for enlightenment. Those wondering why the Asian people come up with so many creative technical ideas can blame Koumokuten for wanting to have the first computer.

Zouchoten of the south was the last of the kings. The buffet table braced itself for his companions, the hungry ghosts and the spirit-sucking demons, but the most Zouchoten had going for him was a bad pick-up line, "Hey baby, did you know my name means one who expands and enlarges?" This gave him the job of increasing wisdom (to prevent such stupidity) and moderation (remember kiddies, the gods wear condoms too!)

After the kings came the elements.

Katen, the fire deva, was given the job of carrying messages to the gods. He took the job only after having permission slips signed saying no one would sue him for carbon monoxide poisoning.

Futen, the wind deva, was so full of hot air that no one was all that impressed. Hoping to appease him, they gave him a scepter of the wind and told him to hold it up. He's still standing there holding it to today.

Jiten, the earth deva, was Bonten's earth-bound twin brother. So of course, due to bitter sibling rivals, they merely bickered leaving Jiten without much of a job.

Nitten and Gatten, sun and moon deva, were also twins. Nitten managed to catch Bonten's eye and got the job of Sun King and protector. Gatten, on the other hand, picked door number three instead of one, and got stuck with nothing more than a goose and a rabbit.

Suijin, the water deva, was a beautiful young woman who found herself at the attention of all the male gods. Due to this, she was always getting phone numbers and new titles slipped into her hand.

"Hey babe, you can be lord of the Sun gods if you have coffee with me tomorrow night."

"Did heaven lose a tennyo, because you sure look like one! Anyways, you can take over my job of being god of rivers and lakes if you'll go out with me."

She used her looks to reel in every offer. Well, most of them…

"Suijin, sweetheart- did you know my name means…."

"Zouchoten. We know."

Last came Enma, which such an entourage demons that he easily won over the title of Lord of the Underworld.

It was amongst that entourage that many strange demons, yaksha and rasetsu came to the party.

There were the ten cannibal demon women, the raksa who ate the flesh of the dead, and the beasts of hell.

They read like a freak show lineup, and each group was given guardianship titles over villages, forests and towns.

That is all except for the two beasts of hell.

The party had started almost two hours before the two showed up. (They'd gotten lost, and refused to ask for directions. Typical stone-men).

Their names were Gozu Rasetsu and Mezu Rasetsu (no relation) and they were as stubborn as the cow and horse head masks they wore.

"Are you certain that this was a costume party?" Mezu questioned again, pushing his _pony_tail out of his face.

"Eh, we can always ditch the masks if its not."

"Are you sure we should still go? It started hours ago."

"Hey, there still might be some titles left for us," Gozu said cheerfully as he adjusted the strap of the mask behind his bun.

"Like what? Guardians of the Toilet?"

"Come on Mezu, they won't give us something that bad!"

Mezu frowned, he had a sinking feeling that this wasn't such a good idea.

The next day, Gozu and Mezu arrived at their new guardianship home.

"Great. Just great. I _told_ you that we'd get a shitty job!"

Gozu sighed, he really couldn't argue with Mezu anymore.

"Okay okay, I get your point. We should have just stayed home."

"Yes, but because of you and your great idea we are now stuck as the Guardians to the gates of hell! Like anyone in their right mind will come _here_!"

Looking about the drab cave and the pedestals they were soon to be standing on, Gozu rubbed at his forehead.

"I don't think anything good came of going to that party. All I did was get a hangover and get stuck guarding the one place no one ever visits and lives to tell about."

"Well…I guess it wasn't all that bad…" Mezu remarked as he hung a "Cave Sweet Cave" sign from a stalactite.

"What do you mean it isn't that bad?" Gozu shot back.

Mezu smirked and held up a piece of paper.

"I got Suijin's phone number."

* * *


	2. 15: Golden Age

**Title**: The Heroes, The Losers and the Guardians  
**Theme**: Set #1, Theme #15 - Golden Age  
**Genre**: Humor/General  
**Pairings**: Mentions of Ruri/Hari and Mezu-- Suijin  
**Word Count**: 1,141  
**Rating**: PG  
**Summary**: Golden Ages were never easy...

* * *

In the faraway land of Ancient Japan, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. But what makes a great hero, or in our case, a great heroine? Well that is what our story is...

"Now wait a second, isn't this story about us?"

"Yah- look at the title there, Narrator. It says- 'Gozu and Mezu' not...well whoever it is you're talking about."

But Rumiko Takahashi has recorded the deeds of a girl who traveled back in time-

"Rumiko, Shemiko- I don't care if it's a miko! This is our story. We had to call in a lot of favors to get an author crazy enough to write about us."

"Mezu's right. This is our story, so tell it right!"

Ahem. Well, if you really insist.

"We do, now start over."

Start over?

"Yes- that golden age thing. Just think about it, doesn't 'The golden age of Gozu and Mezu' have a nice ring to it?"

"Yah Narrator- narrate us out of this stupid job!"

I'm not sure if I have the power to do that, you'll be needed in manga chapter 299.

"Then narrate us to that chapter or something."

"Can you narrate me a date with Suijin?"

Now wait a minute here- I'm the narrator, you're the characters. You're supposed to do what I tell you to!

"I think someone got up on the wrong side of the futon..."

If I wanted to, I could narrate you both into dating the cannibal women and let Suijin hook up with someone else...

Gozu and Mezu looked momentarily shocked at the threat, then they edged back to their pedestals in the cave.

"Fine fine- have it your way..."

"Yah, but you'd better make it a good story. This arguing with the narrator gag can't last forever."

Very well then- let us begin...

* * *

The Heroes, The Losers and the Guardians

* * *

Many eons ago, before the realms of land truly formed, there were the almighty gods of the world. These gods set up a complex system for running things. In this golden age, the people of the earth gave offerings to the gods- riches and foods to keep them satisfied. Little did the mortals know, that the foods were just because the gods were too lazy to cook and the riches went to pay for the Heaven-wide DSL cable internet. 

During this age, there were many heroes- their noble blood driving them to do heroic deeds. And then there were those who wished to be heroes- and failed miserably.

But in this hectic world of gods, heroes and losers- there were two 'men' that had their share of all three. They were employed by the gods, they were faced by many a brave hero, and as their skeleton-littered cave showed, their were those who weren't as brave as they thought they were.

These were the guardians- the noble hell beasts who stood at the gates to hell. Keeping those that had died in and keeping others out.

At least...that's what they were supposed to be doing...

"Keep that spot clear for _what_?" Gozu retorted with a frown, glaring at the way Mezu had blocked off the warmest and driest corner of the cave.

"For my big-screen TV, that's what!"

Walking across the stone floor, Gozu knocked on Mezu's head.

"I think your brains have turned to stone without the rest of you, because otherwise you'd remember that you don't HAVE a TV; let alone a big-screen."

"But I'm going to be getting one," He said confidently.

"Oh? And how pray-tell are you going to do that? Our job pays nothing and we can't leave here to get other jobs, so we're stuck with minimum wage."

"I have my ways..."

"Please tell me this isn't another of your great plans, like your little attempt to play Buddha awhile back when we visited China."

"But those two girls were hot!"

"They were lesbians!"

"Then what were they doing with that moth-guy?"

Gozu rubbed at his temples, "Mezu, do you have absolutely no idea how to tell a gay guy from a straight guy? Of course they were with him, he's not going to hit on him- or do something so mind-blowingly stupid like trying to play Buddha to get in bed with them!"

"Hey now, who said I just wanted to get in bed with them?"

"Mezu, you don't walk up to just anyone and tell them, 'Hiya ladies. I happen to be a _stone_ man who could use a little company.' You're as bad as Zouchoten!"

"Now that was just low!" Mezu yelled back, reaching out and grabbing a handful of Gozu's collar, "Take that back, right now!"

"No. You know it's true, so just stop denying it. Your hormones are out of control."

"You're just jealous because you aren't getting any!"

"Oh please, not this again..."

"When's the last time, Gozu- huh? When?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

Mezu smirked, reaching into his pocket and producing a slip of paper.

"Last night, Gozu. Or with your hangover did you forget how I got Suijin's phone number?"

"It looked more like she was trying to pretend she was interested in you so everyone else would stop hitting on her. I mean seriously, Mezu, she's just using you so Zouchoten doesn't try to skinny dip in her waters again."

"She actually liked me, couldn't you... wait, Zouchoten did that?"

Gozu nodded, "After the eighteenth round of ambrosia, he got a bit tipsy."

"Um...ewww."

"Yah, so that's the only reason she gave you her phone number. It's not like you'll call her anyways."

Mezu angrily sat down on his pedestal, "What do you mean I won't call her? Do you take me for an ass?"

Gozu picked up the horse mask and tossed it at him, "You could have had me fooled."

"Gozu..."

"Mezu. Let's try using your brain, just this once. How are you going to call her?"

"On the phone, stupid!"

"Mezu...we don't have a phone. Or a big-screen TV, or any nice electronics whatsoever. You can't call her, watch tv or do anything until we save up years worth of our paychecks!"

Mezu blinked as that all sank in, then his eyebrows furrowed in thought.

"What if we spent our first paycheck on some gold paint..."

"Gold paint?"

"If we start painting the cave gold, then maybe we can get some people to give us money to visit it."

"This isn't the cave of wonders, Mezu. The golden age is over anyways..."

"It is? Since when?"

"Since the author got tired of typing out our bickering."

"Oh."

And so, the golden age of Gozu and Mezu ended rather quickly- all quashed by Gozu's logic about gold paint and interior decorating. But little did the two know what adventures would await them in the ages to come...

* * *


	3. 14: Darkness

**Title**: The HellBeasts, the Darkness and the Night-Light  
**Theme**: Set #1, Theme #14 - Darkness  
**Genre**: Humor/General  
**Pairings**: Mezu--> Suijin  
**Word Count**: 1,067  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Summary**: But as the sun began to set, Gozu realized there was something else more important than Wing Zero verses Strike Freedom to be contemplating. Namely, the not-so-tiny fact that he was deathly afraid of the dark.

* * *

They had spent their afternoon fighting over everything from which color to paint the cave to which Gundam series was better- Wing or Seed; and by the time evening came, Gozu and Mezu were in a stalemate, refusing to speak to the other aside from a few muttered insults. 

"Wing has better mechs," Gozu grumbled, shooting Mezu a glare.

"Yeah, well Seed has Lacus. She's hot."

This went back and forth for hours, while the two paid no heed to the loudly protesting original Gundam fans who were declaring that everything in Wing and Seed was unfairly ripped off of the first and only true gundam series- Mobile Suit Gundam.

But as the sun began to set, Gozu realized there was something else more important than Wing Zero verses Strike Freedom to be contemplating. Namely, the not-so-tiny fact that he was deathly afraid of the dark.

"Don't we have a light or something?" He'd asked casually.

Mezu blinked, thrown by the sudden friendly question.

"We might, why?"

"Well, it's getting dark outside so…"

"So we'll go to sleep. I need to get up tomorrow and continue working on my "Mezu wants a hot date" plan."

Gozu frowned, "I thought you said you weren't plotting anything."

"Perhaps I lied," He retorted, sticking out his tongue.

"Come on Mezu, where's the lights in all these boxes. We can afford to at least plug in one small lamp, dontcha think?"

Starting to dig through the box labeled, "Box I'm too lazy to label," Gozu desperately searched for any sort of light in hopes that he could beat the sunset and not let-on to Mezu his dark secret.

"Uh, Gozu? Did you forget that our night vision is enhanced since we're hellbeasts?"

"Huh? That's not true. We're both just as blind as a human when it's dark. What bad fanfics have you been reading?"

Mezu casually stuffed a notebook behind his back, "N-None. I mean, who would be stupid enough to think that enhanced vision would be a turn-on for Suijin so that I could win her over, right? Heh-heh-heh."

Rolling his eyes, Gozu went back to searching.

"I don't want to know. I'm certain Suijin doesn't want to know. And seriously Mezu, who in their right mind wants to read Mezu/Suijin porn?"

"Hey! A lot of people will read any pairing as long as it's got hot, steamy sex in it. This has nothing to do with the fact that I'm writing out my nightly fantasies!"

"So it has absolutely nothing to do with this, right?" Gozu questioned; half-amused, half-disgusted by the stone-equivalent of a blowup doll he pulled from the box. Its appearance was eerily like the lady water goddess's.

Rushing over and stuffing it back into the box, Mezu glared, "That's my private stuff. Who said you could look in that box!"

"Well I didn't know the label reading "There's nothing important in here, nothing at all" was to be read with biting sarcasm."

The two began to size each other up, nose to nose and ready to start throwing the punches. That is until the last ray of reddish-orange drifted below the horizon and Gozu froze.

"Oh my gods, it's dark!"

"No shit, genius. That's what happens at night."

"Do something. Find a light. Don't you have a glow in the dark sex-toy or something?"

Mezu casually shoved another box into the corner, "Uh…no. What would give you that idea?"

"Mezu. I need light now. I'm scared of the dark."

Trying not to grin too much, the pony-tail wearing stone man stifled a laugh.

"Can you say that again?"

"Mezu, damnit. This isn't funny!"

"I think it is."

Lunging forward, Gozu aimed in the direction he'd last seen his companion in. Sure enough, after a few moments of groping around, he heard Mezu repress a girly scream. Gripping Mezu around the neck, Gozu gave his ultimatum.

"Listen here, horse-boy. You go find me a light. A lamp, a flashlight- anything. And you find it now. If you don't, I'm removing the one part of your body that you continually brag about being rock-hard 24/7."

Scrambling to his feet, Mezu slowly backed away.

"O-okay Gozu. Let's not get crazy or anything. Just stay right here and remain calm. I'll get you a nightlight. Just wait right here…"

Running out of the cave, his stone feet rattling the ground as he did, Mezu quickly began to hunt for a nightlight for Gozu.

-----------------------------------------

Gozu was certain it had been hours, each noise making him practically jump in terror. He could handle dim-light, bleak-light and damp-cave light; but the pure darkness was extremely unnerving to him. Hugging his knees to his chest and slowly rocking back and forth- he quietly sang to himself to keep his nerves down.

"Fighting evil by moonlight

Winning love by daylight

Never running from a real fight

She is the one named Sailor Moon.

She will...never turn her back on a friend

She is...always there to defend

She is...the one on whom we depend

She is the once named Sailor..."

"Okay, you really_ are_ scared. You're singing the Sailor Moon theme," Mezu's voice echoed down the cave corridor- a beacon of light coming from his hand.

"Mezu!" Gozu jumped to his feet, flinging his arms around his friend, "Thank the gods. I was beginning to think I was stuck in a dark void that would never see light again."

Mezu pulled away quickly and looked down, "Ewww, you also wet yourself."

"I was terrified! My life was flashing before my eyes!"

"I bet that was boring…"

"Oh shut up. You'd be just as bad if you thought you were going to die a virgin."

Gasping dramatically, Mezu almost lost grip on the jar of light he held.

"Don't even joke about that! Just- just go clean yourself up and take your nightlight with you."

Mezu handed over a jar of fireflies and stalked over to his side of the cave. Still thoroughly embarrassed by the whole situation, Gozu took the jar and quickly yanked the curtain closed on his side of the cave.

As the two hellbeasts laid down to sleep- everything was finally at peace. Or so it seemed…

"You've got Rainbow Brite curtains!"

"Shove it, Mezu. You've got the paper with Suijin's phone number under your pillow, have a bunch of sex toys because you can't get laid and write bad porn."

"…Touché."

-----------------------------


	4. 2: Dream

**Title:** Gozu, the Dream and a Compromising Position  
**Theme:** Set #1, Theme #2 Dream  
**Genre:** Humor/General  
**Pairings:** Mezu-- Suijin  
**Word Count:** 912  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** There are many reasons why stone-guardians shouldn't get drunk. This is one of them.  
----------------------  
It was warm. Very warm, in fact, considering how damp their cave tended to get at night. But Gozu was enjoying his dream far too much to really care much about the odd change in temperature.

Dream!Gozu had just won over Suijin's hand from all her suitors, Mezu was his lowly servant and he was currently being promoted to the highest position in the heavens. This of course, was all due to his dashing looks and winning personality.

Rolling in his sleep, he murmured and clung to the warmth beside him. Oh yes, he would definitely have to tell Mezu about this dream. Maybe even suggest to his stone-friend that he had the ability to see the future with his dreams. Gozu laughed to himself. Mezu would be so positively pissed if he could see this certain vision...

In the dream, Gozu was now being wed to Suijin in an elaborate ceremony held in the heaven's great hall. True, he did find it strange that Suijin was wearing what appeared to be a modern-western white wedding gown complete with a very thick veil. But then again, Gozu shrugged, it wasn't like anyone writing about ancient Japan seemed to get the facts right anyways.

The dream!wedding went off without a problem and so the two newlyweds were about to go and consummate their marriage. Still, Suijin's veil hung over her face and Gozu was getting slightly worried. Wasn't there something in an old book from another culture that talked about how a man got tricked into marrying the wrong woman?

Silently, the veiled woman motioned him to join her on the futon. Drawn in hypnotically by her glistening sapphire eyes, Gozu obliged and crawled across the futon to her side. He leaned forward, about to remove the veil when he felt her lips pressing against his.

But instead of joy, Gozu panicked on realizing two things. One- that wasn't Suijin and two- the person he was embracing wasn't even female. Eyes snapping open, Gozu stifled a girly scream. Wanting desperately to get up and go take a cold shower under a nearby waterfall, the stone-guardian finally noticed he wasn't alone.

Lying beside him, spooning up behind his back and holding him in a way Gozu has forbidden anyone to mention- was none other than Mezu. This both unsettled and surprised Gozu. Was that what the dream was about? Was it trying to tell Gozu that he really had deeply hidden feelings for his best-friend?

"Uh... Mezu?" He nudged the other stone-man.

Stirring from his sleep, the other man blinked, "Gozu! What are you doing in my bed?" Mezu gasped dramatically, "I can't believe it! You've been longing for my rock-hard body all this time and you've never told me!"

"You're the one in my bed, you pervert!" Gozu shot back.

Mezu snorted, "Oh shut up, you! I know your ways. You probably took advantage of my drunken state to lure me into your web of lies, sex and drugs. I can not believe this! Losing my so prized virginity to you!"

Gozu blinked, "We didn't do anything!"

"Oh sure. You cannot fool me with that innocent, confused act of yours you...you-- man-hussy! Look, I know I'm a sex-god in the eyes of many, but Gozu- my dear friend, this is ruining a good friendship! How can you bear to have that on your conscience? Ruining such a deep and unfathomable friendship with such sordid things as sex and love!"

"Will you shut up and listen to me, you ass!" 

Mezu shrunk back, clutching the sheets to him, "Oh you bad bad man you. You know I turn into a softy when you talk dirty to me."

"Mezu, turn off your ego and dramatics for two seconds and let this process. You were the one who crawled into my bed. You were the one who was groping me in your sleep. And you are the one acting like there's something between us!"

"You mean... there's not?" Mezu half-sobbed.

"Oh gods, I forgot what a drama queen you can be when you've been drinking. Never mind, I'm going to go sleep in your bed. You can sit in here and sleep off your insanity."

Gozu got up, strangely feeling a lot better than before. Picking up his nightlight of fireflies, he could clearly sort out all his thoughts.

His dream? That was simple. To begin with, he himself had had a little much to drink. After that, it all came down to wanting to one-up Mezu after he teased him for being scared of the dark. And as for the end of the dream, that was probably being influenced by Mezu deliriously murmuring sweet nothings in his ear. But there was still the matter of what he did feel for his friend...

Laying down in Mezu's bed (after pushing the Suijin stone-blowup doll out of it) Gozu thought that over.

"Oi! Gozu, you bastard! How dare you leave me for another! I'm gonna go slit my wrists and die!" Mezu's voice rang out across the cave.

"You can't slit your wrists, you're made of _stone_," Gozu shot back.

"Oh... yah. Damnit."

Gozu sighed. Yes, his feelings for his friend were becoming clearer by the moment.

"Gozu, come back! It's cold."

"Mezu, go to sleep!" He snapped back.

"I love you too, Gozu!" Mezu's voice trailed off.

Yes, Gozu knew exactly how he felt about Mezu; he thought the guy was a complete and total idiot.

--------------------------------


End file.
